Currently
Collected Fragments
Naming Conventions
My family has a real problem with gender. No, really - they do. My mother, for example, can’t quite tell the difference between her son and her daughter. And that’s saying something, because (1) I do not, in any way, look like a boy (well, I’m sure I could if I tried, but the thing is that I don’t) and (2) my brother does not, in any way, look like a girl (I don’t think he could even if he tried).
Case in point - for 20 years, each time she wants to call any of us, she never quite gets it right. After this much practice, we’ve learned: each time she wants my brother, she says, “girl… I mean, boy.” And vice versa: I know it’s my cue when I hear, “boy.. I mean, girl“. With startling consistency.
Somebody I know says her father mixes her up with her brother Jason when he’s angry, so when he’s in the middle of scolding her, he has the tendency of mixing their names, producing such gems like “Ja..rachel!”
I told her: that’s one thing my mother can never do.
Because in my case, it would simply be.. “Adrian..na!”
(Yes - my brother is an Adrian, as corny as it is (it is), or in another incarnation, the acrobatic frontman of Pensionstate!)
And you wonder why I turned out the way I did.
On Being A Girl
Some straight girls have “bi/lesbian” phases, apparently. In the same vein, I’ve had straight phases before - and my darling of an ex-boyfriend still remains, to this day, one of my best friends. Over dinner, we were discussing the possibility that I may have stuck out with him for as long as I did because he’s such a straight gay man (i.e. the best straight man I could find who was into theatre and cooking and the colour pink and things like that), and well, since I’m such a gay man myself, I didn’t find it the least bit strange.
On hearing this, I protested: but I try so hard to be a girl! The following banter ensued.
S: No you don’t try hard at all to be a girl.
Me: No.. not true. Like how?
S: Like - case study one. You go, “Oh that’s so nice!” And I point out it’s pink. And then you say you don’t like it anymore.
Me: Hmm.
S: Like - case study two. You go, “Oh God, I hate soft toys. Why do girls like them?” And then I point out you have twenty two on your bed.
Me: Oh.
S: Like - case study three. You go, “I’m so happy my exam’s over!” And I say I want to take you shopping for clothes to celebrate. And you’re hysterical - nothing can change your mind - “I don’t want to buy clothes! Why should I buy clothes? But I don’t want to buy clothes! Why can’t we go to Sim Lim Square instead?”
Me: Well.
S: Like - case study four. Most girls want slim and tiny phones. You go crazy for the bulky ones, because, quote-unquote, they have so many cool features!
Me: You’re right.
S: Case study five…
Me: I think it’s time you stop.
S: I was about to say you check out girls way too much. I know you too well, don’t you think? So what you’re trying to say isn’t, “you try to be a girl - it’s really, you try to be with girls”.
Me: And fail on both counts.
Maybe Baby
So uh, I’ve been hovering at that dangerous stage where I’m feeling dangerously maternal. As a practical joke, I send out messages to my male buddies, casually wondering if they would “like to be the father of my child”, in no certain terms, just to see what sorts of reaction I would get.
The results, broadly categorized.
Ex-boyfriends
- “Uh. What’s that supposed to mean?”
- “Just that I want to march you to the nearest sperm bank and make you make a deposit? What were you thinking?”
- “OH. Erm. No thank you.”
Gay men friends
“Every sperm is precious.”
“Nope honey, good luck - but if it’s a boy and if you ever need him to have a father figure, look me up.. wink.”
“Will you be my surrogate mother then?”
Most straight men
“I’d like to help, but only the natural way!”
I was just kidding, of course. I figured I wasn’t ready for motherhood - stretch marks are my idea of a nightmare, babies are best when they are admired from a distance, and besides.. I can’t even wake up at 3 in the afternoon. Motherhood. Pfft. I’m just ovulating.
I’m Drinking Too Much
Take it from the non-expert, there are some things you should never do after alcohol.
- Attempt to shave (esp. in sensitive areas).
- Attempt to blog. (This explains why I haven’t been blogging too much!)
- Attempt to install RAM in an iBook.
That’s about it.
25 Comments
i disagree, you could be out cold and still be able to install RAM into an ibook.
so did u drink before posting this?
Fir: Yes, I’ve tried, in fact - it’s not that hard, but I got a headache trying to unscrew those screws while grinning stupidly.
Calm one: Nope, I drank Neslo. I’m off drinking this week! (Hah!)
don’t be so sure. it’s still so early in the week. (hah!)
Maybe it’s just me / my iBook, but I had a miserable time trying to fit the hard wire retaining frame back into the RAM / Airport card recess…it took ages before it finally fit snugly in without protruding from the recess and poking up into my keyboard. Aaaargh!
you have to bend it sideways, slowly.. practice makes perfect! (i have to install memory for all my friends who eventually succumb, grr..)
Drinking helps you blog sometimes. :)
fugging funny.. my mum and grandma literally go through the names of all members of the family before they get to mine! hahaha.. glad to know they’re “normal” :)
BULLSHIT! you had a beer on tuesday! (ok but that’s not really drinking.) anyway i found the sobranies. (: call me when you’re free -wink
You’re very bad for my health, R. Everytime I smoke now I go.. “Ok, one down,78 more.. 75.. 70..” I guess that’s better than your bloody 200! (But hey, sobranies are entirely different!)
Ore-rite, the erdingers was just leisure drinking. Like coffee, you know?
oh shush ore-ready. i’m down to 117 and i’m trying really hard not to think about it.
Off drinking.. THIS week? wasnt tango tuesday this week?. OREdamn now i have to rewind the date on my watch.(again) :}
Erdingers are leisure drinking alright…bt it doesn’t count as leisure drinking unless the beer count is 3 or more…hmmm…
i was thinking of having a child too without having to sleep with a man.. know of any sperm bank here..
I was from an all-girls’ school, and I went through this lesbian phase as well in Sec 4; I had this really good friend and we decided we’d “go steady” for a lark (and to try to act cool as well). It was very innocent though, just simple holding hands and occasional pecks on the cheek. Of course, it lasted only a few months until I got my first serious boyfriend, and that’s when I figured out once and for all I was definitely straight.
Well, I was from an all-girls school and had a straight phase all throughout, and only realized I liked girls after leaving that sort of environment. Oh well. The mysteries of the world.
Shit. I’m a straight gay man.
numlock: we’d better be careful - AirDry’s not gonna be happy if we’re cOREnniving against her ;p so how long did your pack last?
airdry: why don’t you make use of your diehard fans and huge readership to import some more ungettables? i have some coming in tomorrow, i think. then i’m stuck till europe. (….114 and counting)
On the gender identity crisis note…I tried for empirical evidence…did the brain sex quiz on the bbc website…my scores were the same as those of the average male…I’m a girl who likes girls but my brain is a bloke! ARGHHH!!
Ah, the good ol’ days, when I was still beautiful and would disillusion straight girls who thought they were lesbians.
i just open my YSL yesterday.16 left. boohooo. :(
my friend’s back from china! (and you know what that means.. *grin)
but i think i’ll ration the two of you.
ration the two of us? you mean, i’ll ration her! :) but yes, please.
haha sit tight buddy i gotta find out what brand they are first. he’s the kinda bugger who’s buy panda brand.. just to amuse himself.
oops i mean who’d, not who’s.