Collected Fragments
9 Mar
Naming Conventions
My family has a real problem with gender. No, really – they do. My mother, for example, can’t quite tell the difference between her son and her daughter. And that’s saying something, because (1) I do not, in any way, look like a boy (well, I’m sure I could if I tried, but the thing is that I don’t) and (2) my brother does not, in any way, look like a girl (I don’t think he could even if he tried).
Case in point – for 20 years, each time she wants to call any of us, she never quite gets it right. After this much practice, we’ve learned: each time she wants my brother, she says, “girl… I mean, boy.” And vice versa: I know it’s my cue when I hear, “boy.. I mean, girl“. With startling consistency.
Somebody I know says her father mixes her up with her brother Jason when he’s angry, so when he’s in the middle of scolding her, he has the tendency of mixing their names, producing such gems like “Ja..rachel!”
I told her: that’s one thing my mother can never do.
Because in my case, it would simply be.. “Adrian..na!”
(Yes – my brother is an Adrian, as corny as it is (it is), or in another incarnation, the acrobatic frontman of Pensionstate!)
And you wonder why I turned out the way I did.
On Being A Girl
Some straight girls have “bi/lesbian” phases, apparently. In the same vein, I’ve had straight phases before – and my darling of an ex-boyfriend still remains, to this day, one of my best friends. Over dinner, we were discussing the possibility that I may have stuck out with him for as long as I did because he’s such a straight gay man (i.e. the best straight man I could find who was into theatre and cooking and the colour pink and things like that), and well, since I’m such a gay man myself, I didn’t find it the least bit strange.
On hearing this, I protested: but I try so hard to be a girl! The following banter ensued.
S: No you don’t try hard at all to be a girl.
Me: No.. not true. Like how?
S: Like – case study one. You go, “Oh that’s so nice!” And I point out it’s pink. And then you say you don’t like it anymore.
Me: Hmm.
S: Like – case study two. You go, “Oh God, I hate soft toys. Why do girls like them?” And then I point out you have twenty two on your bed.
Me: Oh.
S: Like – case study three. You go, “I’m so happy my exam’s over!” And I say I want to take you shopping for clothes to celebrate. And you’re hysterical – nothing can change your mind – “I don’t want to buy clothes! Why should I buy clothes? But I don’t want to buy clothes! Why can’t we go to Sim Lim Square instead?”
Me: Well.
S: Like – case study four. Most girls want slim and tiny phones. You go crazy for the bulky ones, because, quote-unquote, they have so many cool features!
Me: You’re right.
S: Case study five…
Me: I think it’s time you stop.
S: I was about to say you check out girls way too much. I know you too well, don’t you think? So what you’re trying to say isn’t, “you try to be a girl – it’s really, you try to be with girls”.
Me: And fail on both counts.
Maybe Baby
So uh, I’ve been hovering at that dangerous stage where I’m feeling dangerously maternal. As a practical joke, I send out messages to my male buddies, casually wondering if they would “like to be the father of my child”, in no certain terms, just to see what sorts of reaction I would get.
The results, broadly categorized.
Ex-boyfriends
- “Uh. What’s that supposed to mean?”
- “Just that I want to march you to the nearest sperm bank and make you make a deposit? What were you thinking?”
- “OH. Erm. No thank you.”
Gay men friends
“Every sperm is precious.”
“Nope honey, good luck – but if it’s a boy and if you ever need him to have a father figure, look me up.. wink.”
“Will you be my surrogate mother then?”
Most straight men
“I’d like to help, but only the natural way!”
I was just kidding, of course. I figured I wasn’t ready for motherhood – stretch marks are my idea of a nightmare, babies are best when they are admired from a distance, and besides.. I can’t even wake up at 3 in the afternoon. Motherhood. Pfft. I’m just ovulating.
I’m Drinking Too Much
Take it from the non-expert, there are some things you should never do after alcohol.
- Attempt to shave (esp. in sensitive areas).
- Attempt to blog. (This explains why I haven’t been blogging too much!)
- Attempt to install RAM in an iBook.
That’s about it.
