On the Cusp
May 21st, 2008 | Published in general | 11 Comments
I think I forgot how to write. It’s a bit like forgetting how to cycle, how to swim; you’re told you can never forget how to. But you can, trust me.
I pause a lot when I write these days. I stop. I write a word, I write five. I look at them — they look strange. My famously squiggly scribbling no longer dance, not the way they did when I was eighteen.
The irony? The more I write for money, the more I find myself unable to. The happier I get, the more I find myself at a loss for words. So unlike what it was like at seventeen: heartbreak. Eighteen: coming out. Twenty: learning, and not doing very well at it. Twenty two: at a loss for words. No longer fearless. With too much to prove, and bills that I must soon pay.
These days, I spend most of my time running around being terrified. Not bad-terrified, mind you — anticipation-terrified. On the cusp, in the midst of a pregnant pause. I find myself not having much else interesting to say, because my words are now pitches, assignments, deadlines, and everything is a story idea or potential for a screenplay. Another thing to advance my career with. Writing a documentary, writing freelance, and writing my first novel. Did I forget how to write or does writing come more easily these days?
I responded with the only antidote I know of: I’m going away. For some weeks — Borneo, first, and Europe immediately after. Months away from the road is making me restless and unhappy. Pray I get some of my writing mojo back, won’t you.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:05 pm (#)
yes ah! i will pray that!
May 21st, 2008 at 6:49 pm (#)
yes i’ll pray that too. i miss your writings, the ones that strike out at me and you can be sure i’ll be faithfully here, waiting to read them again.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:32 pm (#)
I totally empathise – I used to be able to create at whim, till I started doing it for money.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:55 pm (#)
I have been trying to fight that since I moved to Taipei 21 months ago. I have been trying to fight losing my ability to write since I’ve become truly, wonderfully happy.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:41 pm (#)
The road always gives mojo!
me miss road.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:06 pm (#)
Hey ya… that’s a very interesting point and know what? It happens to me too especially when all the stress kicks in and worst of all, I stumbled too!
So, don’t worry you are not the worst after all…but still I’ll pray for you!
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:26 am (#)
Hey babe,
Big hugs here for you. I’m keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you and praying very ernestly that your mojo returns soon!
love you hon. Take care!
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:12 pm (#)
I’m not too worried, you got a loooooong way to fall. You got mad skills. (I don’t know if you ride a bike as well as you write.) ;)
I think writing is like reading: when all you’re reading is stuff you have to read, reading loses some of its appeal; solution is to read something you want to read. Same with writing, I suppose.
So write more of what you want to write. None of us will mind, the mojo will come back, and we’ll all be happier!
Have fun!
May 23rd, 2008 at 2:55 pm (#)
hugs
have a good time, away. =)
May 24th, 2008 at 11:24 am (#)
My own personal experience about this is when you stop enjoying your own writing and think that you have ‘made it’. That takes away the sense of wonder and the personal joy you derive from it. Also writing for a job means you’re no longer writing for yourself which makes it exponentially easier to forget why you began writing in the first place.
May 24th, 2008 at 3:20 pm (#)
sadly i can only write when i am depressed (i.e. heartbreaks)