15 Steps To Sapphic Bliss

Somewhat inspired by Rachel Kramer Bussel’s take on something related (via Just a Gwai Lo), I�m happy to share the lessons I�d learned with anyone who would like to delve deeper.

1. Picking women over men is alot like choosing a Mac over a PC — there’s no looking back, and congrats, you’ve just landed yourself the finest darn thing ever built. And nobody’s going to understand it except people like you. The rest of them are going to rail about supposed software and hardware deficiencies, when clearly, they know nothing about it.


2. Work that stamina: we’re talking about the New York City marathon here. If you’re unlucky, you may land yourself a triathlon instead. In which case, load up on the bike tights and goggles — you’ll need them. Take a deep breath. Pray. You better start preparing now. Some dykes are amphibious creatures.


3. Women know everything. By that, I really do mean everything. Lose the lies. White lies and fat lies, she knows. In fact, she knows it even before you say it. It’s that deadly.


4. There’s no such thing as a straight girl who only occasionally appreciates the female form. There really isn’t, and there’s a codeword for that: sitting on the fence. Okay, there was one, and I used to see her. I barely survived.


5. Once this tumultuous period is over (give yourself, say, two years) brave yourself for the worst ever: meeting new women. There’ll either be alot of unattractive women hitting on you, or nobody hitting on you (men and women) at all. But this period will pass. Once you’ve passed Introductory Dykes 001, you are well-equipped to move to Level 2.


6. Firstly, remember that unattractive people are everywhere, and they’ve always been the only people to hit on you. So don’t lose hope here. Keep in mind you’ve just made some improvements — from 1 not-so-bad man out of 10, to 2 for every 10 women. Don’t give up. Persevere. And remember your standards are higher this time around, so that must count for something.


7. In the baby stages, you’re going to run into a certain breed of women you will soon learn to avoid. These are women who were like you some time ago. Straight, attached/married types with an appreciation for the female form. Once they hear of your inclinations, they will assume you want to show them the ropes. (They don’t even ask.) And because no one else is showing interest in you, or you’re flattered by the attention, or both, you may give in. If you really have to, do so quickly, don’t tell them your name and move to the next town the following morning. Hopefully, you will learn you are not the great gay welcome wagon. You don’t have to sleep with them just because you’re the only woman they know who likes chicks too (read: you’re easy). You deserve better.


8. By this time, you’re more or less ready for the world. Get to know more gay people. Gay men, especially, make great friends, behind the public bitchiness. You can always count on them for desperate dressing tips for a killer first date. They usually have a knack for trying to hook you up, all the time. Gay women are a bit more difficult to meet and befriend, but they do make great friends, and even better lovers and girlfriends. Rainbow is the new black.


9. Never give up even if your old friends refuse to speak to you, and/or talk in terms of you used to be normal.. (And yeah, you used to be polite.) This is usually a cue to you to find new friends. It’ll hurt at first, but you’ll thank yourself for it later on, when you no longer have to avoid gender-specific pronouns when talking about your love life, if you get to talk about it at all.


10. Expect alot of opposition is probably the understatement of the year. Besides unsupportive friends, there’s also, at last count: most family members, acquaintances, religious people, faux religious people, the Social Development Unit (they’re only concerned as you can no longer actively contribute to the nation’s birth rate).. remember, Solidarity.


11. Figure out how out you want to be. You can stay in a closet forever so that nobody, not even women, know about it. Or you can roll up your sleeves, get down and dirty and run amok waving a rainbow flag while bucknaked. Alternatively, you may write about it on the World Wide Web so your website does the announcing for you.


12. Go to girls’ parties. I hear their organisers are a great bunch. (Sorry, couldn’t resist it..)


13. Learn to accept gay-baiters as a fact of life.


14. Have alot of fun. And not only in the biblical sense — all play and no work makes Jill a dull girl. Laugh, dance, flirt; write, debate, learn. You never know, but you can be a positive influence for someone else.


15. You’re a dyke!