Roadblocks and Roadkills

a.k.a. I’m Going Away From This Blog For A While

With such a long academic break ahead of me, I have started to think long and hard about specific issues. Issues like my academic pursuits, and the changes I am looking at effecting in that area. My skills, my prospects; the battles I choose to fight, battles that choose to fight me.

One of these issues is this site. To be more specific – the relation of this site, to my offline existence; the focus of this blog; the readership levels and the semi-fame it brings. I thought I could handle fame but I’m not so sure anymore. My priorities have shifted far beyond the world of blogs and the web. I have, to be honest, no further interest in blogging.

That’s because it has brought me a mixed bag of fruits. I have become synonymous with several things but it is not the extent of who I am. Reading me is not the same as knowing me – it is knowing what I let you know of me. The rest is inference. I have met many people through this medium, some of whom have become my trusted friends over the years. I have, at my disposal, a tool to reach out to a large audience by simply hitting Publish. As one of the larger sites, and as someone who’s “out” – this coupling has borne mixed results. On the one hand, it was always in line with my personal objectives, that being open and vocal about the issue of my sexuality would help someone who needs to know it is nothing to be ashamed of, that the normalization of something perceived as taboo might set the foundation for the future. On the other – I am not out to family, and have epic battles of tradition and religion in front of me. Few in my age group – hence dating pool, and former and present lover(s) – are out either, some not even to friends. Being associated with Popagandhi is an unnecessary hindrance I sometimes wish I didn’t have to bear them down with. This is especially so now that I am involved with a wonderful person with whom I am looking forward to sharing many happy days with – and to adversely affect our relationship in any way, especially with a shared set of mutual relations and acquaintances and institutions – would kill me.

I think we often forget that I may be Popagandhi, but Popagandhi is not me. I forget this myself, too. I am not as opinionated as Popagandhi appears to be. I am not intimidating in any way. I do not speak in perfect English at all times of day. You may add Mac and gay and young to my name, but knowing all these are my characteristics do not mean you know who I am. I’ve thought about this for a long time – first when I put this site through a hiatus in September last year – but I’m none the wiser. My priorities have shifted. There are things which are important to me now.

I will be gone for a while.
I will be working on several other projects.
I will be working to pay off my debts and to finance my dream of seeing India again.

The site will not disappear – for now – I can’t kill it just like that. At the very worst, I can promise at least some form of archival of my favourite pieces (and yours). At the best I may revamp and redesign and return, but with a new and more impersonal approach where you will know me as Popagandhi and not as Adrianna, as a writer but not as a blogger or a person you think you know or who is a friend of a friend of a friend of a classmate.

The whole problem is: this country is too fucking small. As are the social circles we tread in. I’m not one to be affected by what is said or thought, usually – but when consequences are real and tangible, and what I cannot dodge, I have no choice but to listen. If I am speaking in parables, it is only to protect myself. As I have learned to ever since readership began to consistently see figures which make me dizzy.

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