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Why I Am Still A Feminist
I am still a feminist because I am no longer ashamed of saying I am one. I have grown tired for apologizing for so many of the things I am: for being liberal, lesbian, anti-Bush and anti-war, a Christian that hates the fundamentalists. Anymore to apologize for, and I may have to apologize for being Chinese.
I was feminist before I was lesbian. I was feminist before I was liberal. I was feminist before I knew feminism had become synonymous with ‘bra burning’ and ‘aggressive’ (I like my bras too much, and I prefer to be passive-aggressive). I was feminist the moment I was acutely aware that being a girl meant there were many things I could not do, and so much more I was expected to.
The first feminist I knew was my father, who taught me I must never bow to the demands of any man, and must never let any man suppress my intellect or free will. He must have known I was a feminist from the time I was 4, when, I did not believe the distribution of potato chips was fair and equal, and demanded he demonstrate by bringing out actual weighing scales, that I had as much as my male brothers and cousins.
In primary school, I was an avid soccer player. About as good as the boys, the boys told me. I played every recess time and after school, every day. I was the midfielder with stamina, who was fast as well and was everywhere and anywhere on the pitch at all times. Good enough, that the boys thought nothing of inserting me into their ambitious tournament plans for the next few years: we were a team. I started the first match in the tournament with the brand new soccer boots I paid for myself. At half time, the referee â his name was Mr Azman â said I couldn’t play, ever again. Even though this was an informal tournament in school, with no rulebook or precedents, he said that’s just the way it is: no girls allowed.
By the time I was 18, I thought I already had a pretty good grip on the “girl” issue. During one class debate, a member of the opposition made a disparaging remark about how sometimes rape victims “were just asking for it”. Livid, I made a comment which led him to say: “Let’s go outside, I’ll show you how good it is to be raped.” This same person is on his way to becoming a lawyer, and I fear.
I’m turning 21 this year and while I don’t play soccer anymore, as a photographer I’m told “they want guys, because they look more like photographers”, as a Mac Evangelist in retail I’m told they “want to consult the guys”, even though I know as much. Guys still hit on my girlfriend in front of me because I evidently don’t count and I’m not the real thing; if I’m opinionated, I’m being either aggressive or emotional, and if I’m stoic, I’m heartless.
As a member of the majority race and male, you may not believe it when I say that sexism is alive and well, because you have never encountered it. You see female managers and female CEOs, females in positions above you, and you fear for your male superiority. What you don’t see is the sacrifice only women are made to make when they choose career, how they could be similarly qualified and similarly excellent or better leaders, yet climb slower and earn less, how if they are assertive they are aggressive female bosses, how if they are not then they are ineffectual leaders and submissive. What you don’t see is how she had to fight hard for most things that come easily to you.
As a member of the majority race and male, you sat next to me in school today at the library cafe, talking about how your girlfriend is not as loud as pornstars when you “fuck her”, wondering if that’s because “she doesn’t know how to express her pleasure”, then your friends all started talking about blowjobs and said in no unclear terms, that the world revolves around “your cocks”.
I will continue to be a feminist until the day my classmates are not seen as objects, whose pleasure is necessarily held up against porn industry ideals, until the day their pleasure is not dictated by the selfish dicks they date.
As a member of the majority race and male, you fathered one of my closest friends. When your daughter complained to you that she used to be touched inappropriately by your friend’s son, when your daughter discussed with you the topic of male infidelity, you laughed and said, “We’re men, we’re like that.”
I will continue to be a feminist until the day every father stands up for their daughter’s rights, the way my father does.
As a member of the majority race and male, everything you might be culpable for is “because she asked for it.” Can’t have children? She must be infertile. Want to use condoms? Only if she pays for it. She doesn’t seem to like sex with you? There must be something wrong with her. Pregnant? She sleeps around. Sex video spreads on the internet? It’s her morals. Lesbian? They haven’t met the right man, and you just might be the one.
I will continue to be a feminist until the day my friends’ fathers stop explaining away their affairs based upon what their wives supposedly lack.
So when you say, those feminists, in the same breath as those nazis, those communists, those crazy bra burning women, you need to know that the object of our hatred is never men â it is what some men do to us.
I will continue to be a feminist until the day my uncle in the flesh and blood stops being an asshole, and his immigrant wife is not afraid to divorce him and press charges.
I will continue to be a feminist until it is realized that while it is best for every child to have his mother and father, if the father is a dangerous man he has to be kept away from her beautiful young children before he does any permanent damage.
I will continue to be a feminist until it is realized the existence of many good men does not mean it is irrelevant to be a feminist. They are our fathers, our boyfriends and husbands, our sons. All it takes is just one man, that isn’t good, to destroy the lives of too many women around the world, and among us now.
This is why I will remain a feminist, I’m not apologetic for it, I won’t burn my bra, I don’t hate you, and no, you can’t watch either.
Addendum Now if there were more mothers of boys like this I might be a bit more optimistic.
63 Comments
love this entry, it so hit the spot. (no pun intended.)
(:
love it! well done.
Adri, you are GREAT, and I’m an ardent feminist, too. I support the truth and excellence of your powerful statement with all my heart. I’m with you totally, Adri.
oh man adri i love u!
lovely entry.. everything that i ever wanted to say (& more).
u’er still my 2nd fav. person, just so u know. hahaha.
eh, you got Z word already still want to find L word for what? ;)
really well said. this ought to be compulsory reading.
adri, i remember soccer at the volleyball court. and how the ball always went over to caltex. good times.
Something every woman know but never voice out. Something every man does but never realized it. Something that happening to the society but no one are correcting it.
love you, my sweet lethal weapon.
my contribution to this piece i also feel for is:
As a member of the majority race and male, you ask fearfully if you need to convert when you marry your girlfriend. You know her race by its food, its void deck weddings, its national holidays, its demographic percentage. You are relieved that she is “not very Malay” : she eats pork, drinks wine, speaks English without the thickness of an accent, and that she has dreams that debunk the myth of the lazy native. For you, the thought of becoming part of the “others”, the race whose loyalties are always suspected, even for love, threatens the ease of privilege. For you, it is unthinkable to be weak by association, guilty by marriage, incapable in name. Yet you would never say a word.
Mm, those times when you’re good enough and always among the first few to get chosen for primary-school-recess-time soccer teams…
Had to be sidelined when they had a street soccer competition in school back then… : (
woah..this is a great entry.
I couldn’t agree more, really.
Adri,
Recognize the place for Evil, for without it Good will have no meaning. Understand the pain that has driven so many to madness, and be endlessly thankful that by God’s grace you turned out the way you did.
I’d rather you a human-ist, instead of a feminist. But that’s just me contradicting what I’ve said above about there being a time and place for everyone and everything.
j.m
Your piece of writing echoes my sentiments.
Irregardless of our accomplishments, we will still be put down just by the very status of our gender.
I’ve met the right girl, but they tell me that is because I’ve not tried a man. How exasperating it is when they are not me.
æä¸ºä½ æ说çä¸åé¼æã
- screams madly in agreement-
Johnny: I get your drift, but you have to understand that there are some things which require you to take a stance.
What if you’re an Asian facing racism? You can be generally against racism on the whole, taking a humanist, general stance, but the most acute and relevant stance is that against the racism targeted at your Asianness. I know that because I’ve been in that position before. It’s the same way I can’t be a general humanist about glbt issues. Sure, I’m against overall discrimination of any minority group. But I can’t speak out for the rest of them except what is most relevant to me. If we can’t take a stance against the assault and violence, real and implied, at our gender, what else can we do? Isn’t feminism a dirty word because it’s been portrayed as such by the people we’re fighting? I refuse to buy that.
Everyone: thank you.
high five my sentiments exactly! Feminist power all the way!
I am really surprised by how my FEMALE classmates and friends react to the F word [no, not the dirty one]. They don’t consider themselves feminist, for they don’t appreciate what their predecessors have done for them. sigh
Adri,
Do nothing. Because while ignoring it does not make it go away, fighting it keeps it alive.
But that’s me. Rule of thumb: Do not fight that which you cannot kill.
Brilliant.
Do nothing lets the monster reinforce itself and feed off its violence.
Saying nothing is betraying myself and my sisters.
Doing nothing is as good as letting them win. Have you seen mothers refuse to let their daughters press charges against their husbands after they have raped or molested them? I have. That’s doing nothing because they think they can’t fight.
Doing nothing when there is daily evidence of its destructiveness, makes it stronger.
I may not be able to kill or maim on my own strength; but I can at least try. And maybe when more of us start fighting it it can die. Tho frankly I don’t wish for its death, only for it to be impotent. Because that’d kill it more. Haha.
Coherent thought is always so refreshing to dogmatic ideology.
Well spoken, adri.
ohh…i think i love you.
great entry!
hey i think your really cool and u write damn well!
ditto!!
Hi Adri,
What you have said is so true. Unfortunately, the behaviour you described is something I see a lot in Australian culture (especially among my age-group), which is quite saddening.
What do you think of the concept of “female chauvinist pigs”, perhaps in response to this behaviour?
“If male chauvinist pigs were men who regarded women as pieces of meat, we would beat them at their own game and be female chauvinist pigs: women who make sex objects of other women and of ourselves.”
(From an article in the Sydney Morning Herald.)
Oops. It appears WordPress stripped out the link I entered.
I can guarantee that won’t be the last time you say those words… rock on lady
I’d love to see more FCPs who treat men as sex objects.
All men in agreement please rise. 8D~
i played soccer with the boys in the neighbourhood from the ages of 5 to 12. 7 years.
they taught me everythng i knew. back then i got better than some of them.
one day i wasn’t allowed to play anymore because it seemed to have dawned upon them that there was a girl in the team and the girl was me.
that day was the day i decided that girls could do anything boys could.
kudos to this post adri.
it made my day.
hoho.
powerful.
Excellent piece. Well said. Hits the truth.
Bravo!!! Absolutely spot-on!
I want to frame this and hang it on my wall for all to see.
Well put hon.
I know we already talked about this posting, but I still wanted to say something :)
I have taught numerous classes on feminist thought and gender analysis (as well as race, and sexuality) and I am constantly banging up against the demonisation of the term ‘feminist’ and truck-loads of misinformation about what it means.
What gets me going is those silly people that say “I am not a feminist, I am an equalist” or the say involving ‘humanist’. Such a statement shows nothing else but a lack of understand of how society operates. If you believe that women and men should be equal, and aren’t currently, then you’re a feminist. End of bloody story. A feminist position IS a frigging humanist perspective, it just particularly focuses attention on the gender dynamics in our society.
It’s like those head-in-the-sand comments from people saying “oh, I’m colourblind” or “I don’t see colour”. For a start, you CAN’T be, not in our societies, as they are racist societies. We internalise racism as a basic part of our socialisation. It’s not the differences that are the problem, its how the differences are constructed hierarchically that is the problem. In fact, trying to act like you don’t see the differences actually effectively contributes to maintaining that, as if you can’t see the differences, then you can’t address the way they are being negatively constructed, and moreover, you insult and demean the very particular experiences that someone has within our societies due to their race. Furthermore, the supposed ‘colourbiind’ default is ALWAYS the ethnic performances of the dominant ethnicity; ie hardly equal.
The statements you made in your main post and in the comments so very well speak to these, and I love seeing it hon :)
Wonderful.
Well put, indeed!
regarding the My Lai massacre I take some comfort from the fact that very often there are also some good guys who tried to help. Coming from Berlin I just visited the memorial to the July 20 insurrection against Hitler (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/July_20_Plot). These people were well aware that their chances for sucess were limited and that they might get killed (which in the end they were), but they still believed they had to act according to their conciousness….
applause well said.
Even if i have all four sons, I still won’t be the one dealing the laundry.
And something’s telling me tt you’ll prolly have a butler instead of a maid.
Please take a bow.
For most men forget that when you take a woman out, she is someone else’s daughter.
i find myself nodding as i read through your entry.
fantastic writing. you should submit this to the straits time forum. more people deserve to read this.
this was a heart-wrenching entry to read. and i wanna thank you for writing it; it’s much needed. =)
It’s a pity that Feminism is not even understood before people utter derogatory remarks about those “feminists”. This was a great piece of work Adri, and I can only hope that it reaches out to more people.. hope that more people join in to fight - not to kill or win, but because fighting we must do!
I was just wondering, when you say “as a member of the majority race and male,” do you mean to exclude males not of the majority race? They are still our fathers, boyfriends, husbands and sons y’know.
girl, you care, and for that you are FAB! boys are smelly, throw rocks at them!
but seriously the person who wants to be a lawyer and told you that rape is enjoyable ought to be raped himself. i am now v irritated and disturbed.
Jean: no i didn’t mean to exclude them. i only meant to make the connection between the two nodes of power — gender and race, and how they are usually maifested the strongest there. like being white and male in the world. and being chinese and male here. or indian and male and of the right regional group/caste in india. i’ve just seen too much stupidity coming especially from these sources.
jireh: thanks! :) you can help me throw rocks if you like, don’t wanna go too close to them!
“Have you seen mothers refuse to let their daughters press charges against their husbands after they have raped or molested them?”
The mothers have a bigger fear - they are more worried about the shame that is brought on themselves if it gets out. Leave it alone, keep it quiet, hope it goes away, everyone gets over it eventually. Crap.
A sad thing to me is the guilt that molested/raped/vicitmised women feel. Think about that - the victim feels more guilt and shame than the perpetrator. That’s a real evil derived from male-dominated social conditioning.
this got to be my favourite post. love you.
fuckin awesome entry
Hear, hear!
as much as being a chauvinist has not served the purpose, being a feminist will not serve the purpose.Male chauvinism has created the worst form of exploitation, and to retaliate would never alter that feeling.I dont know if you have ever heard about casteism in India.Earlier the higher castes lead and exploited the lower castes.With the time and democracy and independence it changed and the lower castes became stronger and retaliated.However, the situation has not changed, as the conflict remains the same.Any division in the world based on any ism will never solve any problem, and has never ever solved.
I am neither a feminist nor a chauvinist, but I respect and oppose both.
Well said!
Absolutely spot on!
Ya blew me away with this entry =)
Love the power/energy I feel from this entry!
xx
a fellow feminist
Hi. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. But you made me feel a connection, for the bond of sisterhood which you articulated. No man can understand the violation and the suppressed angst that women face in this society of “equality”. Fight on, babe. I’m behind you all the way. =)
proud of u n ofcorse ur dad too :)
popagandhi…. just happened to stumble upon this post while surfing…
great stuff! very inspiring, affirmed all my feminist beliefs :) thanks:)
have linked this post on my blog.
wow..brilliantly written. intense stuff here, way to go
You go girl!!! Well said indeed..
So when you say, those feminists, in the same breath as those nazis, those communists, those crazy bra burning women, you need to know that the object of our hatred is never men â it is what some men do to us.
[...] the world revolves around âyour cocksâ.
[...] until the day their pleasure is not dictated by the selfish dicks they date.
I’m male, not part of the majority race (I hate that word), but I hope the self-centred a-holes that put you off men rot in hell. Or worse. Because you’re better than that.
I will continue to be a feminist until the day every father stands up for their daughterâs rights, the way my father does.
Well said.
Love this entry.Enough said ^^.Wish i could write as good as you.Right out from the heart.You go,girl!!! ^^
gweeb
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