Resurrection
I have been many things in this lifetime, but many years ago – I was a runner, first and foremost. The pursuit of physical excellence, the breaking of records, of personal bests, the defeat of arch-rivals; all those memories had been happily filed away into long-term storage when I “retired”. Yet the act of running is something I return to time and again, each time believing large parts of myself – make that, large chunks of the better part of myself – were lost somewhere in the fray, and could be found in the act of running, if I looked hard enough there. Whenever faced with situations, uphill battles, anything at all – I take off, running, as if it was an emotional crutch.
You can always tell a competitive runner apart from a recreational jogger. The latter: casual, in attire and in stance. The smile on their faces only temporarily disturbed by that momentary anguish they face in the onset of physical pain and tiredness. Their pace is casual and unhurried; they run to, of all things, “keep fit”. Runners don’t know what “running to keep fit” is. “Keeping fit” is expected of them, they do it without consciously thinking about it, just so they can run even faster and further. Whether or not they’re aware of it, they keep to a practised stance they hardly ever deviate from; even when exhausted, the signs are all there: the arm swing, the large strides, all maintain firmly in place. In fact, they know it to be imperative to keep to the stance, to never let up, no matter what the body tells them – because each perfectly angled swing of the arm, each stride of the thighs, each part of the mechanism in sync with the other, is essential in taking them closer to the goal.
I run whenever I can, but especially when I need a clear mind. It helps me to focus, to have a clearer understanding of what is ahead, it helps me accurately point out what hurdles there are ahead, and what needs to be done to clear them, and clear them well. Being in top shape physically, it is well known, helps play tricks on your mind and leads you believe that you are capable of achieving anything you set your mind to.
Being Libran, the sign of the scales has led me to seek balance in all things – the pursuit of music and poetry to feed my soul, the pursuit of running and other sports to feed my body, literature and other things to feed my mind. But the end goal is the same. It is the attainment of magical moments for which I toil, labour, sprint towards. Where, in an orchestra, you fight, wrangle with, beat your instrument into obedience; to hit that high note, to exude technical grace and ability in that particularly difficult part, to do so with the ease of a maestro even if you’re really flailing beneath the surface. All for what? The musical harmony with the rest of the band, allegro when the piece calls for it, adagio when the instructor signals you to – basking in the union of all these instruments, a moment made perfect, a moment justifying the extent of your physical breathlessness. The same way you fight back the ghosts of self-doubt (along with depleting glycogen stores, and increasingly inefficient adenosine triphosphate production), competitors, bitter rivals, to hit the line first, and in style and grace and at the top of your game.
I guess you can say most runners are masochistic – we seek the union of pain and pleasure, it’s true. But the second part to the story is rarely ever mentioned. It’s all about overcoming ourselves, our situations, to outdo, outpace, outshine, outlast. I’ve learned much from running and racing, too much, in fact. I know how terribly impatient I am, I know how I absolutely detest being behind anybody (even if, or especially if, they are technically superior), I need to overtake or forever be bitter I didn’t try my hand at it. Just as how I wasn’t happy to have a place in the main band, but wanted to be its star, when all the other 8 year olds were still kept outside practising scales and arpeggios.
Yet it’s the other half of my story about running I haven’t told anyone about. What motivates me to run, and why I do it. The sport and its resulting adrenalin rush takes on another level of accomplishment for me because it’s all about adopting what didn’t come naturally to me, but fighting back the odds to do well in it anyway. Born of a weak constitution – a hole in the heart, low blood pressure, ligamentous laxity – I would be susceptible to fainting, blacking out, breaking/spraining various parts of my body, not just from running but even in a state of stillness. It taught me skills that I would never otherwise have learned if I had allowed myself to wallow in that state of physical inadequacy: to keep my focus, to read situations, to react spontaneously towards the top in their field. If my competitors were starting to breathe erratically, if their footsteps were starting to pound heavily, there was no better time to quicken my pace, hold myself upright, to be nimble and light and confident – it would break their spirit, and eventually their bodies.
In a way, running faster than everyone else did eventually break me too. Ego and hubris clouded my vision: I couldn’t accept being second, I threw diva-esque tantrums, I clawed back viciously towards that crown which couldn’t go to anyone else. I had to win at everything: even if, or especially if, it wasn’t my field. I was going to take the 200m, the 800m, all the middle distances, the jumps. I pushed myself so hard my body eventually refused to work for me; after breaking my foot in a freak accident, I can’t say I’ve ever been anywhere near my peak.
But I remember those days, the glory days. Outpacing everyone, outlasting everybody; I was bored by a lack of competition, bored of the boys I could easily outrun. I was always on guard, always in full knowledge that if things didn’t work out – I could easily run away, being fitter, faster; never hovering long because I was just used to bounding away quickly, being impatient of spirit and the nomadic type. I used to say, in jest, that I would be totally smitten by the first girl who could run faster (and who didn’t look like a man).
You have no idea how much I’ve learned to slow down, be less competitive, less of a brat; how I surprise myself that I could even keep at a nice comfortable pace with you, but I’m glad I did. I wouldn’t have known to smell the coffee, the frangipani, and the scent of your skin, otherwise. I missed out on too much in my frenzied haste, to know that there’re other ways of winning at races, or even that it doesn’t always have to be about winning or racing. But better to know now, than never.
Related
Redemption
Tension
Release
- Posted by popagandhi at 08:56 pm
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u should watch amelie. shows the simple pleasures in life.
i have.. love it.
hey, your post made me think back to my running days, whereby my motto was ” sick? run it off, injured? run it off” using pain to fight pain. really missed those days…
i can never have that amount of determination towards running.
i was panting reading this entry. huffpuff..As if you were running and writing and me reading, all at the same time.
i hope you made it to the last part where i said i learned to slow down for you, though :)
My! You can only get better huh? Enjoyed this alot. Nice.
grin Running = good
I prefer a track, though. Allows me to zone out. All I need to think of is, “This lap’s gonna be faster than the last!”
for some of us, it’s hard to find the right pace.
must start running…
not that this is in any way relevant to running, but I love chai too.
Borders does takeaway bags at $100 for a 10 pound (or was that kg?) bag.
$100? After having had the real thing for S$0.03 cents per cup, I don’t think I could ever pay that sort of money for chai here. I’m learning to make my own.
sometimes u can hit the zone, the nirvana, the zen of running, meditation in motion. or is it endorphins-induced high? a bit of both I think…
oh god, she’s libran too. i bet you’ve got 3 pairs of ascis in the closet
you are a jock and you are cute and smart?
a bit unfair rite?
i just feel i’ve never ran as fast as i could all my life…
oh, this was a lovely post! easily one i could enjoy days on end.
I usually run to build up my mental strength.
I’ve jus discovered ur blog and have been reading some of it for the past few days…. i must say that ur writing is simply too beautiful for words to describe….
:}
maybe we need to reach some kind of ‘breaking point’ before we learn to slow down
hhmmm.. so if i can run faster than you, youll be smitten with me.. and i sure dont look like a man.. lets run together then girl..
Adri, IMHO, running feels much better if one does not smoke. I totally hate you guys who smoke and run so much faster and longer than I. I’ve stopped running now, because I don’t have the time, therefore the energy, but when I did go for regular runs, I did it to remind myself that quitting smoking gave back my lung capacity, and because running costs nothing.
adri, excellent post. love it.
reminds me of my long-d/x-country days in secondary school and in jc.
i run to win others, or more so, a personal win of my mental battle with endurance and pain.
ADRI YOU BITCH i KNEW it going to kolkata when you have a hole in your heart! whatever that means how dare you my god i almost froze you to death jesus
kaini
ps. i’m working right behind mustafa. if your school is going to be nearby come and have lunch sometime, i know the good spots :)
no kaini you almost froze me to death making me sleep in the cold without a blanket or a jacket when i had a temperature of 40 degrees celsius. :) but you also saved my life and without you apollo gleneagles hospital kolkata would have done booming business from me. thank you for holding my hand while the nurse jabbed me in all the unsightly spots. and how dare you insinuate i dont know the good spots around mustafa that’s my turf you know but if you have found nice spots for chai and masala tea then i forgive you
I run because it takes me to a place of solitude.
It takes a while to get there. Once your pace steadied, you can’t hear a single thing. Not the bus that roared by, not the blaring music from your earphones. Nothing. That is the peace that I seek. All you hear is your heartbeat and your breathing and your pace, keeping to a common rhythmn.
I make a lousy running partner as I don’t talk and totally spaced out when I hit the zone.
I hear ya. I feel the same way about sports myself. Netball, then tennis, and now lacrosse
i know a great place for mutton soup around kitchener
the uncles at sam leong road know me
yes those were truly unsightly places.
:P
oh please don’t frighten me like that again adri. :( the funny thing was in the middle of 3am i dumped my own sleeping bag over you because i had second thoughts, then at 5am gayatri woke up and dumped HER sleeping bag on me because she thought i was mad sleeping in the cold.
kaini
awww.. i knew my medic couldn’t be THAT evil after all! :) well, i suppose half-hourly pat-downs and temperature checks by your exes can have curative effects. i’m never eating curry fish ever again, especially DORJEE curry fish. dammit kaini i miss kolkata so damn much i want to go shopping at gariahat and get lost in a taxi again while my taxi driver pulls over in the middle of the road to ask for directions. shall we do bombay?
Howdy, this’s my first visit, and I enjoy reading your posts aplenty. Darn, I am a latter, casual jogger but I love pain. Jogging 20 lapses makes me feel revitalized afterwards! Good job, and take it easy!
HAHAHAHA dorjee curry fish that takes me back
i miss the highlands. i miss kolkata and the highlands mostly. the madass road to kashmir and kolkata, kolkata, kolkata, dear sweet filthy city. and the sense that this, this is life, not straight roads and traffic lights and clean streets, this makes sense, chaos makes sense.
bombay is a great idea actually, except i love kolkata i feel like THAT’s where i want to return to
kaini
ps. Ipod photo me!! wheeeee coming soon to my pocket
the rawness of just existing, in kolkata. that’s the drug i fell for, can’t get enough of, and haven’t found anywhere else.
the simple endurance of the body
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